ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
