Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
