how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
