The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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