i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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