I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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