Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
