the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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