evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
