So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
