I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
