i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
