Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
