After last night, I could never be a politician.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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