you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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