Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
