I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
