Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
