I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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