your parents love me but you hate me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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