I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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