imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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