idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
