12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
