proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
