Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
