just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
