I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
