Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
