Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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