I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
