hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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