i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
