Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
