but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you traded sex for a burrito?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
