I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
