Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
