You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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