Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
