Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
