some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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