i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
