fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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