textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
