I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
