can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
