We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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