kristin has been a bad kristin
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
