omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
