OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
